for the first weekend in a LONG time, I have no plans. which makes me excited! I decided to start off my Saturday with breakfast on my back porch. instead of sitting around my little table, I sat on the deck with my feet resting in the grass. normally at the first sign of a bee coming within several feet of me I run away screaming. but not this morning. Something was different—I sat there watching 4 or 5 bees buzz within inches of my feet and was amazed at how they really didn’t care that I was there. If I wasn’t moving and bothering them, they weren’t going to bother me. And in that moment, I realized this is what the Lord has been revealing to me over the past year.
a year ago i took a leap of faith that i didn’t know where would lead. i was homeless, jobless and really had no idea what the future held. would i be returning to school? would i be serving on a missions team somwhere? would i be working somewhere? if so, where would i be working? where would i be living? for two months i went without knowing what the future held. and those were two of the sweetest months of my life. i had to place ALL my trust in the Lord—for shelter, food, finances…everything. what i didn’t realize at the time was that i was beginning to learn how to die to myself and live for the Lord. and for the first time in my life, i wasn’t chasing after my own desires.
it’s been almost exactly a year since the move. God provided with an awesome place to live and a job that i love. it was amazing to sit back and accept what God wanted to give me during this season.
prior to this move and for the majority of my life, i chased after things of this world: jobs, friendships, boyfriends. but as i continue to grow in my walk with God, I’m learning that nothing will satisfy my heart more than what God gives me. after college when i was chasing after a job in a certain location, i was taken back to my hometown. little did i know that God was preparing a job for me and a place to live in a metropolitan area (i had always dreamed of this!)—and a location that was within a few miles of one of my best friends. when i was chasing ‘being in love,’ which was really lust and a need to pacify my loneliness and desire to date, God provided a way out. not the way i wanted it to happen, but the way it needed to end. out of the end of that relationship, God gave me some of my greatest friends to this day. i never asked and never prayed to have girlfriends or accountability partners in my life–God gave them to me.
i say all this because i’m extremely grateful for the things God has given to me as i seek him before everything else. the past few weeks my life has been wrecked—in the best way possible. our small group has been studying the book of James for the past six weeks and it has been one of the best studies i’ve ever walked through (perhaps that’s because I’m actually doing the lessons…) my desires, my purpose, my longings—they all are shifting. i don’t know how to explain it, but what i do know is the Lord is changing what’s inside my heart. so just as i did with my feet resting on the grass this morning, i’m choosing to be still. when everything inside of me wants to get up and run away screaming or to chase after something to satisfy my own desires, i will choose to sit, listen, and be still with this prayer in my heart:
Psalm 139: 23
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”